FAKE NEWS EXCLUSIVE: “Nicest Man In Ruzafa” To Become A Father

The “nicest man in Ruzafa” is to become a father for the first time, the Valencian can exclusively reveal, thanks to its network of impeccably informed sources…

Carlito Esparza, famous throughout the hipster and bohemian neighbourhood of Ruzafa, is a well-known figure, partly because of his former role as manager of the notorious drinking den and speakeasy Cuatro Monos, partly because of his insistence upon riding around the narrow streets on his bicycle – pink – or his Vespa scooter – also pink.

He has a smile as wide as El Turia – and we mean the park, not a bottle of beer, that would make no sense at all – but it dropped momentarily when the editor of this publication asked him whether there was any truth in the rumour that, at the age of 42, he was to become a father for the first time.

“Who the hell told you that?” he asked, before relaxing once again, and beaming proudly: “Yes, it is true, your sources are impeccable. I cannot wait,” before showing us a scan on his phone that, quite frankly, could have been the foetus of a human, a squirrel or a tiny whale. Our editor is not a scientific sort of chap.

“So who is the lucky lady” we asked? Carlito el Chiquito demurred, but when our editor said, “We understand it is Cristina,” said: “Yes, it is Cristina but she values her privacy more than Greta Garbo did, so if you think you’re getting a quote out of her or a photo, you are obviously three jars of Juan’s Agua de Valencia to the good.”

Clearly feeling that he had already said too much, Esparza said, “Right, that’s all you’re getting out of me, if you want any more, speak to my agent, Jose Marzilli in Madrid, he looks after lesser celebrities such as Javier Bardem, I am too important. Or get that Luca drunk, he’ll spill the beans – so long as you pick up the bill.”

bardem and cruse photo
Bardem with wife, Penélope Cruz, at the Goya Awards ceremony in 2018

Our editor tried one last cheeky question: “Is it a boy or a girl?”

As he mounted his bicycle to pedal away, Esparza laughed: “Well, what I can tell you, is that we’re painting the nursery pink.”

As our editor furiously scribbled in his notepad, halfway down Litoral Azorin, Esparza called back over his shoulder: “But we’d be doing that whether it was a boy or a girl…” 


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© Exclusive: “Nicest Man In Ruzafa” To Become A Father – TheValencian

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